Desiring gendered bodies

by Ryan Radclyffe-Hall, A Gender Agenda

I've dated (proportionally) a lot of guys who were closeted homos. Now, when someone is closeted, sometimes one's identity is really tied up in the notion of the embattled homo, who can't have what one wants. For example, my identity was really tied up in the notion that I like girls better than boys, but I just couldn't have them. I identified as a (closeted) lesbian instead of as a bisexual for that reason.

Now, some of these guys made it perfectly clear that they loved me in spite of my female body, not because of it. It was never verbal, it was always those little actions that tell you that someone finds part of your body too horrible to contemplate. Now, obviously having a partner who can barely have sex with me at all, and definitely can't have sex unless I've put my finger up his butt, who refuses to touch my breasts, who thinks my vagina is 'gross', only reinforced my own body dysphoria, and my own desperate longing to have a body that my partner could desire. (For the record, I actually quite like putting my fingers up people's butts. Its just tedious if it's every single time, and you know your partner has to lie back and think of Tom of Finland to get it up.)

It's a fucking horrible way to be. Being straight, or being gay is no excuse not to revere your partner's body and the pleasure you can have together. Even if your partner is not the gender you usually desire, even if your partner is transgendered or intersex. If you can't handle the reality of their body, you should be polite enough not to take them to bed. Express your love for them in other ways. This notion that I've seen in transfeminist circles, that if someone likes your body because it's trans, rather than in spite of its transness, they must be a tranny chaser, strikes me as being full of self-loathing. I don't want yet another gay boy to hate my body, while loving me. Or ignoring my body, while loving me. I'm a person in a body, and I want to be touched, and touched with conviction!

So anyway, imagine for a moment some heterosexual cis folk dating. They get into bed for the first time, and start to get undressed. The dude is all like "Your boobies are hot cos they are girl boobies" in his head, and he gets aroused. He doesn't think that way about the boobies of the other footy players in the change room, even though they might be just as big and round as this girl he's bedding (though if they are footy players, probably not as soft). She is probably enjoying the feeling of his boner pressed up against her. The knowledge that it's a responsive, flesh and blood organ, rather than a silicone penis probably adds to that arousal. Their attraction to each others' bodies is intrinsically linked to their understanding of the other person's gender identity.

Now, I'm not saying that heterosexual cis women could never be attracted to a trans man, or heterosexual cis men can't be attracted to trans women. The way we construct a lover's body in our mind, and under our hands, is linked to how we understand their gender. So when a lover doesn't have the strength to see a trans person naked, without starting to screw up on pronouns, or can't touch certain body parts for fear of challenging their notion of their lovers gender, there's a problem.

Notice that I am not saying that people should ignore trans folks' requests not to touch certain body parts!!!

I am saying that don't assume that just because someone's body is trans, you aren't allowed to touch. NEGOTIATE. For example, my breasts are fairly sensationless. I very rarely get any feeling out of them, though I do sometimes if my mind is in the right place, which tells me that there is probably no nerve damage to them, just psychological blocks. However, I am never going to get past my psychological block to enjoying my breasts if I'm the only person that ever touches them. Even when I tell partners that it's ok to touch them, and I want them to touch them, they often don't, because they say, when they are sleeping with a man, breast play isn't something they usually do.

Some trans folk want to be treated exactly like a cis person of the same gender. Again, you should respect their wishes. However you can't assume what that looks like in that trans person's mind, and you should communicate about it and make sure everyone is on the same page. Also, for the record, don't assume that someone's biggest hang up in bed is their gender, just cos that's your biggest hang up about being in bed with them.

My point is: I want a partner to love my body for what it is RIGHT NOW, not what it might be, what it could become after surgery / more hormones / more surgery. Likewise, I want to be able to appreciate a trans partner's body for what it is right now, and enjoy my partner for being gender fucked, not for their body's similarities to a cis body, not for my ability to block out the 'conflicting information', but for all of the beautiful, sexy, pleasurable body they have right now.

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