Sex party etiquette

by Alexis Hazell

Based on my experiences of attending sex parties in Melbourne, Australia, I felt it might be useful to offer some suggestions with regards to sex party etiquette.

When attending a sex party, please don't assume that:

. . . "No" means "Yes" or "Maybe". To put it another way: No means no! Surprisingly, some people take "No" to mean "Not this second, try again in a second or two". Additionally, don't assume that anything other than an explicit "No" indicates consent: consent must be active, e.g. an explicit "Yes".
. . . parties and the people attending them exist only to fulfill your personal fantasies. A common example is "American (sex party) Pie" - this fantasy arises from stories in Penthouse etc. about sex clubs in the States (e.g. in New York) which have 100 private rooms, 10 spas, 8 orgy rooms, 5 BDSM rooms, a pharmacy, etc. Please don't assume that the sex party you're attending is going to match this.
. . . it makes any sort of sense to remark that a party is 'boring' (i.e. there's not much sex happening) whilst standing round and not doing anything yourself. This is another instance of assuming that the party exists only to fulfill your personal fantasies - in this instance, a fantasy involving everyone else providing you with a live sex show. The phrase "Boredom sets in to the boring mind" applies here - please feel free to make some boredom-reducing contributions yourself.
. . . other people understand what your fantasy actually is when you invite them to play with you. If your fantasy involves, for example, you as a couple playing with another woman (and only with a woman, not with a man as well), don't ask another couple if they want to play when you are really only interested in the female half of that couple.
. . . people that have no difficulty fucking in front of 20 people are extroverts and that the reason they have not approached you is that they are 'snobs'. Some people find it easier to fuck someone they know in public than approach someone they don't know for conversation because they fear rejection.
. . . other people willl share your prejudices. For example, don't automatically assume that a person will share your preference for thin, Anglo people simply because that person is thin and Anglo him- or herself. Some people's primary attraction is to sexiness, regardless of such things as size and ethnic background. If you think, for example, that it's impossible for a larger-than-average person to be sexy, fine, but don't assume everyone shares your view.
. . . you can feel up anyone who walks past (even those people who are naked); the other people you may have seen doing so might be friends of the feelee.
. . . if you see people having sex without a condom, that non-protective sex is okay. Some people have arrangements with friends where they have seen the results of STI tests done on those friends and so are happy to have sex without condoms or other forms of protection.
. . . a sex party on a given night is representative of all instances of that party. A party can 'click' on one occasion and feel strained on another. Unless you found the party simply awful, try giving it a few goes.
. . . a party is made up of cliques. Wouldn't you like to spend time chatting and catching up with friends if you saw them at a party? For some people, sex parties are their main venue for socialising and letting their hair (and pants) down. Since these people attend parties regularly, over time they make a lot of friends, and want to catch up with them when they see them.

But please do:

. . . provide feedback to the person or people you're playing with! Let them know what you do and don't like; sex parties are not made up of mindreaders. It may seem to lack spontaneity at first, but you'll enjoy yourself far more later.
. . . treat the sex party venue with respect. Sex parties are often held at someone's house; treating it with respect shows your gratitude to your hosts for letting their personal space be used as a venue for the party.

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