Sex toy parties: Taking the sex out of sex toys?

by Ruth Martin

Reading the article Risque business: sex toy parties take off, the thing that really struck me was how sex-avoidant the parties seem to be. In order to be 'non-threatening', extensive use is made of the colour pink; the sex toys are made as non-sexual as sex toys can be; and an emphasis is placed on how the toys aren't meant to 'replace the man', such that some are designed to be non-phallic so that (assumedly heterosexual) couples can use them together without the male feel threatened or inadequate.

I find it interesting that even though these parties are selling toys, erotica, and lingerie to women for their supposed pleasure, it seems that women, at the same time, need to be protected from sexual explicitness. Women are encouraged to make sure they don't regard the use of the products in a a purely sexual way: it has to involve love and emotion. In any case, it suggests that women shouldn't be 'just' sexual, and indeed, need to a certain extent to be protected from sex.

Moreover, the notion that all this is about women's pleasure seems belied by the attention paid to another form of protection: making sure that heterosexual male sexuality is cushioned from something buzzy and/or plastic. Even though the room may be full of women perusing toys for their pleasure, the presence of pandering to the male ego remains. It can't be bigger than him and it certainly should not satisfy the woman in question better than he can.

This seems to be in the forefront of the minds of the party organisers and, most of all, the minds of the women purchasing the goods. But perhaps what should be at the forefront for both parties is providing quality toys that are safe for consumption in the way that they're intended. As detailed on violet blue's journal at Open Source Sex, many toys designed as novelties are marketed as being for sexual use. They are often made using chemicals such as nonoxynol-9 and phthalates, which can be toxic and break down after a period of time. Toys made of materials such as silicone and other non-porous materials are more expensive but are enduring as well as safe.

Further, despite the supposed concern for the male ego, male sexuality in our society is not served well by this protection. The underlying issue here is that male sexuality is fragile and is based on what it's not, not what it is. Whilst female sexuality is supposed to be passive, demure and barely there, male sexuality is promoted as being active, aggressive and one of the defining features of masculinity. The fact that a small buzzy egg or rabbit toy is a threat to this demonstrates just how badly our society needs to accept new, more complex ideas about male sexuality: ideas that don't involve making women responsible for men's sexual egos whenever they seek sexual pleasure for themselves.

Sex toy parties that are aimed at women should be about their sexual pleasure without apology, and the products that are offered need to be safe and of good quality. The subtitle of the article about these parties says "Forget Tupperware". i disagree. Tupperware, whilst often regarded as fairly expensive, is at the same time respected for its quality and durablity; and in fact, some of their products are make of silicone. It's only fair that we expect the same of the toys presented to us at sex toy parties.

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