"Ten Commandments for Submissives": a critique

by Artemisia

[Editor's note: This critique originally appeared in Artemisia's LiveJournal; the entry can be found at http://www.livejournal.com/users/velitu/70321.html.]

There are these "ten commandments for submissives" going around the net that give me the shits on many levels. i find the assumptions they are based on limiting and sometimes plain offensive in many ways.

The first commandment says:

1. Be patient!

A potential top will let you know if he is interested in you or not. Keep in mind that your purpose as a submissive is to serve and to satisfy someone who will take into consideration the realization of your fantasies. Don't expect your top to be able to turn on like a light switch. The timing must be right for both of you.

My take: firstly and most obviously this assumes that the dominate person is male. This is outright sexist.

This also assumes that it is not the place of someone who is sexually submissive to make the first move outside scene space. It assumes that all submissives are full-time submissives. That submission is more than a negotiated encounter for all sexual submissives. That submission must be in more than just the sexual or scene-based arena to be 'real'.

i know some lifestyle submissives who want to take the D/s relationship outside sexually charged or scene based headspaces for sure. And i really admire them for setting up the kind of life they want. i see that kind of submission as a powerful choice. But to have it implied that to have one's sexual submissive needs fulfilled, one needs to give up aspects of their personality outside scene space is offensive to me. i am normally a very headstrong, assertive person and i intend to stay that way. i also am sexually fulfilled from submission. If i want someone sexually or D/s wise, i let them know. i negotiate what it is that i want so both of us are fulfilled. i seriously resent any theory that says i should be any other way to be a 'real' submissive.

The next commandment:

2. Be humble.

You may be God's gift to the world and the most sought after prize in town, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunity to show how good you are. No matter what you claim, the 'real you' will show through in a scene. Don't set yourself up for failure by developing expectations that you know you and your top can never reach.

My take: i will express my self esteem any way i see fit. i am not afraid to promote my positive aspects and still call myself a sexual submissive (switch with much stronger subby leanings).

Next commandment:

3. Be open.

You can learn something about yourself from everyone into the scene, no matter how experienced or inexperienced they are, or how dominant or submissive they are. This is a very personal art, and an "I already know it all" attitude will make you miss valuable lessons and experiences, and ignore potentially valuable friends.

My take: sure. i can see that is good general advice for every human. doms, subs and others.

4. Communicate!

Verbalization is necessary, but at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way. Your top needs to know basic information about you, such as experiences, fantasies, health concerns, and turn-offs. But - unless it's an emergency - wait until your top asks. Don't expect your dominant to be a mind-reader who instinctively knows your needs, wants, and limits. Your cooperation will enhance the scene for both of you.

My take: Again, similar to my objections to commandment 1. To assume that i have to be in submissive headspace to negotiate and communicate otuside of scene space is offensive. Sure, some may choose to interact that way, but to try and impose that on me simply becasue i am subby is ludicrous. i am a powerful person in my own right and will choose when, where and how i communicate. To be sexually submissive does not mean one has to automatically give that right up.

5. Be honest.

Don't be afraid to share your needs and fantasies. Your dominant expects it. Honesty about your wants, health concerns, and turn-offs is essential to a good scene. Lying or being less than candid can only lead to problems, as the top will base the scene on inaccurate information. Besides causing problems, it can be dangerous.

My take: True. That goes both ways.

6. Be vulnerable.

Your scene is a two-way street. It is not just the physical realization of your prior fantasies. If you want to limit your experience to certain physical and psychological stimulation, then contract with your top ahead of time. But don't always expect your top to be a puppet in a fantasy play you've written in your head. It's far better to let your top surprise you, to extend your limits, to take you to places you're never been before. When you trust your top completely, let him know it, and let him guide you into new fantasies.

My take: Besides the 'he' assumptions, again, this is good advice. There is nothing worse than a person who enters any sexual and/or D/s situation assuming the other person is merely a toy to live out their fantasies. That is, unless they are paying the other person specifically to play that role. Otherwise, it is a two way street. In the kinds of D/s interactions i engage in, it is a cyclic flow where we both are vulnerable and take each other to unexpected places. It's just done from different spaces.

7. Be realistic.

Your dominant is human, and even the most experienced tops have moments of awkwardness and indecision. Don't call attention to what you perceive as a lapse. Know the difference between reality and the fantasy world you see in books and magazines. Few tops are rich enough to afford a large dungeon with a lavish layout of equipment. Your top's equipment is expensive - respect it and don't abuse it.

My take: Fair enough.

8. Be really submissive!

This is the whole point. Let your dominant take you over completely. Don't coach or second guess or be critical of your top. Exchange information on your special needs before the scene starts, but once it starts be quiet! If you insist on running a scene to your own specifications, then you should try being a top. You have agreed to limitations of your own power. Stay within those limitations. Respect and obey your top and expect punishment if you don't. Accept it gracefully and cheerfully. Your top has many things to be concerned with, including your safety and what turns you on. Be loyal and dependable and enjoy your role.

My take: Actually, i will be as submissive as i like. Or not. The problem i see with this is that is assumes a black or white, either/or mindset. Many people are actually somewhere in between those two extremes and move about within that continuum in different places and situations. i personally do not think it is at all useful to make someone who is sexually submissive feel guilty for also wanting to sometimes "top from the bottom" if that is what both or all parties involved want. How about a top who wants to top from the bottom? Or to submit to a certain portion of the encounter but guide the rest of the encounter "from the bottom"? What if that is what they want? They should not be made to feel guilty for it. No submission is really powerless. It is always a choice - and an active one at that - no matter how passive it appears. There is power in it and it does affect the top. It's a two-way dynamic. To not understand that is to not understand the nature of the power dynamic that is taking place.

9. Be healthy!

Like any strenuous activity, requires that its participants - both active and passive - be in top physical and emotional health. The amount you sleep, your eating habits, your alcohol and drug intake, and everyday stress affect your response and endurance during a scene. Your dominant needs to know when your physical or emotional energy is low. No matter how tempting a scene sounds, an "I want it all now" attitude when you aren't able to give your all will leave both of you feeling let down. You serve your dominant and yourself best by staying healthy.

My take: Plenty of happily fulfilled sexual submissives i know party all night, drink, smoke, take drugs and have a ball. Health is a lifestyle choice that is probably wise for all. It probably does affect your sexual and or D/s experience but that is not to say that you are not a real submissive if you smoke!

10. Have fun!

After all, sex is all about having a good time. You have earned and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasure which comes from responsible, creative play.

My take: Yes! One i agree with! It is about fun and we are unique. That is why one person's version of sexual submission is different from the next and no set of commandments will fit everybody. They won't even fit the majority! To assume there is only one right way of doing D/s is arrogant and narrow minded. Submission must always be negotiated individually. No-one should EVER be made to feel they need to submit in an area they don't want to, to get the sumissive fulfillment in the area they do want to. i will not give up my outgoing, assertive, powerful and intelligent everyday personality and ways of interacting because i find submission in sexual headspace a turn on. My sexuality is not somehow less than someone else who chooses fulltime submission in many areas of life. Those that do choose that full-time kind of subbiness still have negotiated the ways in which they do that, individually and uniquely.

Hmph!

This critique was mostly written from a submissive's perspective. However, there are just as many reasons why a dominant would find these commandments problematic. It sounds obvious, but not all dominants want the same thing! Some sexual and/or scene dominants actually prefer to engage equally with their sexual and/or scene sumbissives outside of that headspace. and others prefer a headstrong submissive who is a 'challenge' to dominate. The submissive's seeming arrogance and/or assertive personality during normal headspace is essential to the fulfillment of some dominants' needs. Oh hell, there are so many variations out there that if i try and name them all i'll be here forever! Suffice it to say that diversity on the part of dominants and submissives makes any idea of commandments redundant.

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